Nick R Thomas - A Public Speaker's Blog :: Topical Gags Service: Thomas's Topical Ten & Funny Forty

Weekly 'Thomas's Topical Ten':

My best topical gags/observations from the past seven days' news, chosen for the widest audience appeal. A minimum of ten items emailed in time for the weekend. Ideal for comedians, speakers and weekly radio show presenters (although please note that I cannot supply this to DJs in area where I already have an existing radio show prep client).

Here are samples from recent weeks:

TOPICAL TEN FOR WEEK ENDING 24 JULY 2010:

Jordan/Katie Price says she's giving up her singing career after her debut single only sold 3,000 copies. On the plus side, she's been presented with a silicone disc.

When Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley take over as presenters at GMTV the channel will be rebranded as Daybreak. Although after reading so much about these two for months, it's more a case of Give-Us-A-Break.

Several Premier League clubs are banning vuvuvzelas next season on the grounds that they could be used as weapons. In fact, there's already a new chant going around: 'Who burst all the eardrums?'

Holidaymakers left stranded by the collapse of Goldtrain have been assisted by the Civil Aviation Authority. Did you know that there are also uncivil aviation organisations? They're called budget airlines.

As the schools break up for the summer holidays, there's now a trend for parents to give expensive end-of-year gifts to teachers such as Tiffany bracelets, opera tickets and sessions with a life coach - although I'm not sure if that last one's actually a compliment.

At the World Snail Racing Championships in Norfolk, the winner beat 200 others to complete the course in the fastest time. Actually, it was more than that as there are still a few of thousand who haven't reached the venue yet.

An artist has opened a Man-hole Cover Museum. It's full of old Y-fronts.

A new service offers you the chance to rent a friend for 35 quid an hour. And if they're real pals, they'll lend you the money at the end of the evening.

In Oldham, there's now a taxi service for pets. Although when the cabbie was asked to carry an elephant he moaned "Look, mate, haven't you got anything smaller?'

A survey has found that 33% of men grip the seat in fear when their partner is driving. You can tell when a guy is really scared when his other half's at the wheel: he clenches his buttocks so tightly that when he leaves the car he takes the seat cover with him.

TOPICAL TEN FOR WEEK ENDING SATURDAY 17 JULY 2010:

A set of Winston Churchill's false teeth are expected to fetch a fortune at auction. They're the ones he wore to deliver his famous speech about 'biting them on the beaches'.

The government is considering scrapping the UK census. If that happens it's going to be hard for former employees from that department at job interviews: 'Sorry, I keep forgetting - you ask all the questions'.

Have you seen the latest exchange rates? You only get 4 American spies back for 10 Russians.

Thierry Henry has signed for the New York Red Bulls. They did have to fight off a rival bid after his handball skills against Ireland led to an offer to play for the Knicks.

Holly Willoughby has revealed that she keeps her sex life interesting by going out wearing nothing under her coat. You wouldn't believe how many times the waiter at the restaurant offers to hang it up for her.

Matt Smith says he may only play Dr Who for a short period. There have now been so Time Lords that the programme is being retitled Dr Who-Next?

Obviously the last thing Apple wants is an IPhone recall - that's millions of customers recalling how they had fewer problems with the previous model.

Facebook will very soon have 500 million users. These will actually include one or two who don't fill up the whole damn page with Farmville..

According to researchers, the average woman changes her hairstyle 104 times during her lifetime. More if she goes out on a windy day.

A study has found that 1 in 5 people are in love with someone other than their partner. Often it's themselves.

(You can see further free Thomas's Topicals by following me on Twitter).

1 week £10: 4 weeks £34: 10 weeks £70

Weekly 'Funny Forty' Topicals Newsletter:

A more substantial collection, ideal for comics and after dinner speakers who are topical humour specialists.. A minimum of 40 topical gags/observations (some linked into short routines) the occasional non-topical, timeless gag plus the best humorous quotation that I have spotted over the past week.

1 week £40: 4 weeks £136: 10 weeks £280

Payment by cheque or PayPal. Further discounts for longer subscriptions.

For further details email nickrthomas@gmail.com

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