Nick R Thomas - A Public Speaker's Blog :: Comedy Writing/Tuition Services

(Please note: this page covers my comedy writing and tuition for comedians and cabaret acts only. Details of my services for radio presenters or speakers can be found under Show Prep FAQ or Speechwriting FAQ).

About Me

I come from a show business family (my great aunt and uncle performed on the music halls and appeared on Variety Bandbox and in some of the first television broadcasts from Alexandra Palace). I grew up watching the classic TV comics of the seventies - Benny Hill, Dick Emery, the Comedians, the Two Ronnies...When the alternative comedians like Ben Elton and Rik Mayall came along in the eighties, I loved them too - while still enjoying the traditional 'older' acts. I have a very broad taste in comedy and this enables me to write in a variety of different styles.

My writing career began in 1982 when I started regularly winning gag-writing competitions in Punch magazine and later on TV-AM. I was a contributor to Sir David Frost's best-selling paperback The World's Shortest Books (Fontana).

In 1990, I started writing gags and sketches for BBC Radio Light Entertainment. Full details of my extensive writing for radio (which continues on a daily basis) can be found on the Radio CV page.

I was a regular contributor the BSkyB topical series No Limit and I have ghost-written material used by comedians on the 11 O'Clock Show (Channel 4), James Whale Show and Pot of Gold (ITV), Stand Up L!ve (L!ve TV) and numerous other programmes.

Altogether, I have had nearly 1,000 items broadcast on national radio and TV while many thousands more have been used on local radio and by live performers.

For five years I contributed sketches, parody songs and gags to the London fringe theatre show Newsrevue, including its runs at five Edinburgh Festivals. More recently, I currently write for Brighton's highly-acclaimed Treason Show.

I have been writing material for cabaret acts since 1993. These have included comedians of many kinds, after dinner speakers, impressionists, magicians, singers, an old time music hall female impersonator, a strongwoman, a chapeaugraphy act (hat-folding, in case you were wondering!), ventriloquists...Venues have included comedy clubs, hotels (including Viking, Blackpool), theatres, holiday parks (Thomson, Haven, etc) and cruise liners (including QM2).

Not all comedy writers have experience of performing but I have completed more than 800 paid speaking engagements since 1996. I have spoken at corporate functions, Rotary, literary and arts festivals, writers' circles, ladies' luncheon clubs, women's institutes, retirement and church groups...in short, a vast range of audiences. I hold a LAMDA Associate Diploma with Distinction in Public Speaking and I am a member of Equity and the Society of Authors.

When I was starting out as a speaker, I also completed dozens of stand-up comedy gigs. These included the Radio 2 Arts Programme and five appearances on Stand Up L!ve on the infamous cable station L!ve TV as well as numerous comedy clubs on the London circuit and in the South of England.

I taught comedy writing for seven years for Bournemouth Adult Education and Bournemouth and Poole College of Further Education and I have been a guest lecturer on the M.A. (Hons) course in Radio Production at Bournemouth University.

I have also taught public speaking since 1997 (see the Presentation Skills Training page) always stressing the value and power of humour.

Other humorous writing has included articles for local papers and magazines (I was the comedy correspondent for Interval) and contributions to two volumes of the Times Brief Letters to the Editor (Collins),

As well as being featured many times in the press, I have been the subject of a BBCTV South mini fly-on-the-wall documentary about my work, appeared as a mystery contestant on What's My Line? (Meridian) and been interviewed on BBC RadioSolent (four times), BBC Wiltshire Sound, Wave FM, 2CR, Vale FM and Express FM.

This is by no means my full list of credits but I hope there's enough here to convince you that I know what I'm doing! Now read on to see how I might be able to make a difference to your act...

Material and Services I Can Offer

(You will notice that rates per minute are quoted. I work on the basis of five gags per minute).

Gags/Observations

Wouldn't your act benefit from well-crafted, original one-liners and witty observations? I understand the rhythms and structures that make humour work. You supply the subjects - I'll supply the material.

From £40 per minute. Minimum commission 4 minutes.

Topicals

My speciality! Remember, I write topical material every day. I try to keep politics to a minimum (unless it's what you particularly want) and I'm not to strong on sports but if you want sharp gags/observations about the very latest news concerning celebrities, surveys, trends, inventions, whatever people are talking about...

From £40 per minute. Minimum commission 2 minutes.

Routines

I can write stand up material on subjects linked together into seamless, flowing routines with a strong start and finish.

I can also write entire routines for speciality acts of many kinds.

From £40 per minute. Minimum commission 4 minutes.

Sketches

Live sketch comedy has been making a comeback recently. I can write original pieces with interesting characters, consistent gags and strong punchlines.

From £40 per minute. Minimum commission 3 minutes.

Parody Songs

Always popular. Another field where i have a great deal of experience.

From £40 per minute. Minimum commission 2 minutes.

Script Editing

Perhaps you don't want an entire script written but would like constructive feedback on the material you're using already. I can edit/rework your gags, etc, for maximum effect.

Quotation on request.

Comedy Script Life Coaching

A fixed fee gives you a guaranteed amount of my time each month to advise you on your script, add last-minute gags, etc. This can be by phone or email.

Comedy Script Consultancy

This is the most expensive option but probably the one that would make the most difference to your act. I watch you perform, making detailed notes about your presentation and material. The next day, I meet with you and go through your act, line by line, editing, reworking and adding material.

I then give you a crash course in how to write your own material, backed up by written materials from my years of teaching comedy writing courses.

Quotation (to include travel and accommodation) on request.

Comedy Writing Tuition

Learn how to devise original gags, observations, routines, sketches, etc. A structured course tailored to the individual requirements of your act, with marked assignments and constructive criticism from a highly experienced tutor. The course can be taken by correspondence or email. One-to-one tuition may be available in my own area.

Quotation on request.

Publicity Materials

See my Copywriting page.

Pre-written Material

If you don't want to commission specially-written material, you may be interested in the following. All material is original, written by me.

Weekly 'Thomas's Topical Ten" and 'Funny Forty'

My best topical gags/observations from the past seven days' news, chosen for the widest audience appeal.

For details see the Topical Gags Service page on this site.

The JOCK BOOKS

Timeless humorous observations about everyday topics, much of it linked into entire routines. Written for radio presenters but suitable for many comics. For details, see the JOCK BOOKS page on this site.

Making Jokes Appear: the Magician's Guide to Writing Original Humour

This is an 8-page, A5 pamphlet I put together a few years ago to show magicians how to devise original gags and observations and incorporate them into their acts. It includes sections explaining; why you should be original; how to devise original one-liners (includes a writing exercise); observational humour; how to apply gag-writing to a magic act; writing your first gags (creating ideas); subjects to avoid; suggested further reading.

I still have a few copies left, so if you would like one (hard copy only), the price (including postage) is:

United Kingdom      £1.95
Europe                   £2.45
Rest of the world     £2.95

(N.B. To customers ordering from outside the United Kingdom: some of the examples and references given in this pamphlet are very British!)

Help Me to Help You!

The more information you can supply, the easier it will be for me to write the best script for you.

I need some idea of your style of delivery. Is there a DVD, video, CD or cassette of you working that you can send me (don't worry, I'm not going to steal your gags - I write thousands of my own, year in, year out!). Just a short performance extract would be a real help in personalising what I write for you.

I need to know the types of audiences you work to (age, class, etc) and the types of venues you work in.

And I need specific subjects you want me to write about. Too many comics just contact me and say 'Send me whatever you've got' without giving any ideas about topics. If you want strong material specially tailored to your act then I need you to provide me with as much detail as possible. The results should be worth the effort on your part.

Be Realistic

No comedy writer has a 100% strike rate. It's unlikely that you will want to use every line written for you (except possibly with some speciality routines, sketches, parody songs or speeches). The idea is for there to be enough fresh material there that will make a significant, original difference to your act.

A realistic amount would be, say, 40% (I aim for more and I always try to write a little more than you have paid for so you have even more choice).

And remember that whilst I am used to writing good material at very short notice, the more time I am given, the higher the quality is likely to be,

Thanks - But No Thanks...

Over the years, I have had a great deal of my time wasted by certain types of 'prospective clients'. To avoid this, please not that I am not interested in doing business with the following (and believe it or not, these are all genuine examples of people who have contacted me!)...

Hagglers

Most comedy writers with a resume like mine won't write for live acts. They live in London and are only interested in TV and radio. If they consider other types of work, they quote television fees. In 1995 I heard from a lady who had approached two semi-retired TV writers for a twenty-minute routine. Their quote? £6,000!

Taking into account the breadth of experience I have and the effort I put into a script, I think the rates I quote represent a fair reward for my efforts so it's insulting when people try to beat me down on price.

Free Sample Collectors

I am prepared to send out limited amounts of sample material - I feel that my CV speaks for itself - but there are some acts who just seem to collect freebies from a number of writers, add these to material they've nicked from other comics and that's it - they've cobbled together a whole (unoriginal) act for nothing. I write to make a living.

Acts Who Say 'Perhaps You Could Just Write Me A Minute's Worth?'

Sorry, but I don't want to be fiddling about with tiny commissions. besides, how would such a small amount of material make any difference to your act?

Acts Who Spend An Hour Telling Me How Wonderful or Difficult Their Careers Are - And Then Don't Commission Any Material!

I am a professional writer. I am not not a free chat/counselling service!

Cheque Bouncers

Obviously!

Comics Who Say Their Audiences Are 'Too Thick' to 'Get' Witty Material

People from all walks of life came to News Huddlines recordings or listened on the radio - and 'got' what we wrote. We never dumbed down. Audiences are usually cleverer than some comedians give them credit for.

Comics Wanting Blue/Stag/Drag/Offensive Material, etc.

There's obviously a market for this - but it's just not what I write.

Comics Wanting Sick Jokes About News Tragedies

See above.

'Tribute' Impressionists Who Only Impersonate Other Comics' Creations, Such As Little Britain Characters

What's the point? I'm afraid I have no interest in writing for acts who get all their laughs by default. But if you are an impressionist whose repertoire includes comedians, actors, presenters, politicians, sports figures, etc, then I would love to write for you. Scriptwriting for imaginative impressionists ranks among my favourite work.

Comics Who Just Want To Be Clones Of Other, Better-Known Comedians

Again, why bother? They did it first!

Visual Acts Wanting Material - Despite Not Having A Photo (Let Alone A DVD/Video Of What They Look Like!)

You couldn't make it up, could you?

Managements Wanting Me To Write For Acts Who Don't Actually Want A Writer

An embarrassing waste of time for everybody.

People Wanting Me To Write Their Sitcom Ideas

If I was even remotely interested in this highly competitive and speculative type of writing, I'd be working on my own sitcoms!

(I feel so much better now I've got that lot off my chest!)

Payment

Nowadays I ask for full payment in advance before I start writing for a client.

This wasn't always the case; I used to work on trust. But one comedian defaulted owing me several hundred pounds. Even when I have charged 50% upfront with the rest payable on completion, there have still been those who have taken advantage, despite the work I have put in and the quality of the scripts they have received.

I do not employ a secretary and I do not want the bother of chasing invoices - it's a distraction from writing the best script that I can if I am always worrying about payment. So I ask for money in advance, which frees up mind to concentrate on writing good, original comic material tailored to the client's needs.

If you are worried about sending a payment upfront, do bear the following in mind:

I have been a member of Equity since 2000 and they have strict standards of conduct.

The staff at the Stage know me - I started advertising with them in 1994.

I aim for - and get - repeat business. Clients have been coming back to me regularly since those first ads in 1994.

You get a receipt with details of my home address.

If for any reason I am unable to write your script, I will happily give you a refund.

I can accept payment by cheque or PayPal for the United Kingdom, PayPal for Europe or the rest of the world.

To contact me to discuss your personalised scriptwriting requirements or to order pre-written material please email nickrthomas@gmail.com

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